Waddle and Hun.

I’ve been waddling a lot over the past 24 hours. The bottom of my back hurts and as soon as I get up its stiff so to start walking I have to...

I Hate Martin.

Horne and Corden; a brand new sketch show starting soon on BBC3. Sorry. I really did want to start this blog a lot more positively but I jus...

Fight! Fight! Fight!

I'm very pleased to say that this blog won a Chortle Award last night. I got it for Best Off-Stage Contribution. I'm not big on awar...

Avert Your Eyes.

Good fucking God. I don’t really have time for blogging today as King of Everything is making its (quite short) stage debut tomorrow night a...

Let Me Entertain You. Pur-leeeease!

On my way to a gig in Bow last night I bumped into someone who had seen me on stage a few times. She was very friendly and said nice things....

The Enemy of the World.

Robert Mugabe is a massive dick. I don't normally come off with insightful political comment like that but the man makes me furious. He ...

This Band Has Eaten All Our Money and We Don't Mind.

I have the world’s loveliest hangover today. It’s just humming away gently inside my head, more of a lullaby than a headache. It’s there jus...

The Worst Person In The World.

This world has seen tyranny in its most awful barbaric form brought on by the likes of Hitler, Stalin, Hussein and, hey, George W. Bush, but...

Years of Refusal.

Alright, it was Quinoa. It said Quinola in the recipe. I’ve never heard of Quinoa or Quinola (which doesn’t exist) so I’m afraid I stupidly ...

Quinola Assahola.

“Do you actually work here or do you just like the look?” Those were my angry words, yesterday, to a Sainsbury’s employee. I’m fucking fed u...

250,000,000 Interesting Things About Me.

RULES: Write down 250,000,000 things about you that are revealing, interesting, things you've never told anyone else and, above all, mor...

I Don't Care If I Fall As Long As Someone Else Picks Up My Gun and Keeps Shooting.

Yesterday was much more like it. It was full of excitement, danger, crime and victory. Yesterday I fare dodged. Now, I didn’t mean to fare d...

The Devil Found Me Work.

Yesterday was very, very dull. The full moon was the most exciting thing that happened yesterday. Did you see it? It was HUGE. That’s seriou...

Are You Sitting Comfortably?

Bennett Arron wrote a blog about the BAFTA’s yesterday (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=50586253765) and I’ve not much to add to wh...

I Often Dream Of Trains.

Friday night’s gig has been washed clean now. I did the Bearcat Comedy Club in Twickenham and it was fantastic. Whatever it was I did wrong ...

Crap.

I’m really fed up today. Fucked off. Last night I performed so badly at the 99 Club in Leicester Square that I felt utterly amateur. I didn’...

Nutter, Pt 2.

The other person who is interesting/terrifying in the park is Mr. Boring. That’s not his real name. I don’t know what his real name is but M...

Nutter, Pt 1.

After the nutter in Sainsbury’s yesterday, I seem to be attracting more of the same. They’re all over the park, nutters. The park is FULL OF...

Silence.

I really thought that I'd be starting this blog with the words "Johnny Candon has gone home" but, for the third time this week...

White Britain.

I don't like snow. Seeing it snowing on Sunday night was just so depressing but waking up on Monday morning knowing that it had all land...